From Masking To Freedom: Finding Power & Confidence In My Autistic Self
Analysing the complex nature of autistic masking and how to build self-confidence in your own skin.
Autistic masking is a complex and often exhausting process in which autistic people consciously or unconsciously suppress or hide their natural autistic traits in efforts to fit into social groups and meet societal expectations. A process that can build anxiety for autistic people and cause them to lose their self-confidence and self-esteem, as well as displaying other unusual behaviours. While masking can allow autistic people to navigate the world safely, it comes at a high personal cost for their wellbeing and identity.
What is autistic masking and how does it affect autistic people?
Autistic masking (also known as camouflaging) refers to methods that autistic people use to hide their autistic traits when in front of neurotypical people and in uncomfortable environments or situations. As autistic people are more than likely to be discriminated against than other groups of people, they feel this burning need to be accepted by society and trying to fit into a neurotypical world that wasn’t really built to meet the needs and expectations of neurodivergent people in mind. As a result, autistic people have to deal with extra adversities and circumstances that non-autistic people take for granted.
Masking amongst autistic people can occur at any age or stage of life; mostly the habit starts from being a young age and can manifest as autistic people get into adulthood, even if they’re aware or not of their autism traits. As well as wanting to be accepted by society, masking can be symptom of bullying or abuse at school or in the home, being in other environments that disregards their needs and emotions, and having a lack of understanding for their autism in the absence of a formal diagnosis or not receiving support from healthcare providers. (I’ll be discussing the dilemma of seeking a diagnosis or not in a future newsletter.)
Many studies over the years have determined that over 80% of autistic adults report engaging in masking behaviours (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019) and autistic females are significantly more likely to mask their autism traits than autistic males do, as autistic women are more often misdiagnosed for other conditions which only leads to further confusion and frustration for the individuals affected (Hull et al., 2020). I’ll be doing a future newsletter on how autism is slightly different for women compared to men, despite the natural, biological differences.
Common masking behaviours may include:
Forcing eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable.
Copying gestures, tone of voice, or expressions of others.
Repressing natural responses (e.g. limiting stimming, hiding sensory distress).
Pre-planning conversations or rehearsing social scripts.
Staying quiet to avoid saying the “wrong” thing.
Smiling or laughing even when unsure of the social cues.
And many more.
As an autistic person, I’ve struggled with masking or denying my autism to various degrees over half of my life. As a child at an autism specialist school, the teachers would say to my parents and myself over the duration of my time at the school that I wouldn’t achieve anything in life and always struggle. These sentiments would start the feelings of insecurities I had and my battle with anxiety, which was exacerbated by the normal autistic childhood tenancies and behaviours.
Once I got to secondary school, as my IQ was higher than to remit the autism school could allow from their cohort of pupils, the bullying started from my non-autistic peers just because I was a different child to the rest, didn’t get involved in group sports, liked being on my own, and basically living in my own dream world. The one of many things that kept me sane during this time period was my love for cars and Top Gear. At the same time, I was questioning my autism and putting pressure on myself to be more like my peers in efforts to fit in.
The original diagnosis of classic autism with moderate learning disabilities I got at four years old didn’t give a true reflection of who I was as a child, especially when my IQ was 82 and my mother knew that I was more Asperger’s Syndrome with mild dyslexia than classic autism. With this misdiagnosis along with the bullying and difficulties experienced in school life, it led to me having really bad anxiety to the point where I suffered with depression and felt lost; these feelings took a few years to overcome with limited support.
As I got into my 20s and doing well at college and university and developing as an autistic person, I still put pressure on myself on why can’t I be like some other members of my family or other people that I admire; a habit that has been with me from being a child. Nowadays, I try to take a more laid-back approach to negative thoughts and feelings, whilst grounding myself in saying that we’re all different and you shouldn’t compare myself to others because they haven’t had to go through the same experiences as I have and come out swinging and living my life with more purpose and intention.
Masking is often linked to autistic burnout and fatigue, a long-term, intense exhaustion accompanied by a loss of skills and increased sensitivity due to chronic stress or anxiety. These feelings can manifest in many unusual ways, like: chronic exhaustion, identify disassociation, low self-esteem and moods, non-social tenancies, heightened mental health struggles, and sensory overload meltdowns. Autism isn’t predictable for everyone of how it affects them in terms of relationships with it and themselves, despite similarities shared amongst the autistic community and how we all as just as unique as neurotypical people are.
How can autistic people become more self-confident with themselves?
Write down all the good and positive attributes about yourself in a journal
The first step to overcoming your masking behaviours is to identify and write down all the good, positive attributes that makes you the unique person you are in a journal, so it provides a visual perception of the great things you’ve got in life and it helps when practicing gratitude. I know can be a tough habit to get started and building a routine around it, but anything good that is worth having does require discipline and determination to overcome your limiting and negative beliefs and thoughts that’s holding you back and change them with more positive and uplifting beliefs and thoughts. By doing this, you’ll get to see a visual record of all the good things you have in life and what makes you the unique autistic person you are and honour it well.
Growing up as a child, I struggled with self-confidence and having to hide my autism in front of others, or in my case trying to deny that I was autistic and fit in by acting or copying other people. All this did was creating the vicious cycles of anxiety and despair that led me on the journey that I highlighted further above. It was only when I discovered journaling and changing my thinking patterns that I started to accept my autism more and have a less serious and laid-back approach to things and not let other people’s opinions of you weigh you down. I’ve written a previous newsletter about this that you can read at your perusal.
Don’t compare your unique journey to others and embrace your individuality
It’s part of human nature that we do compare ourselves to others very often and have done for many centuries; it’s only in the modern age of social media and instant gratification that the concept of comparing ourselves to others is on steroids and can cause divisions in society based on hatred and self-entitlement, rather than the sense of compassion for one another and community spirit. Also, comparing yourself to others has caused an epidemic in mental health and loneliness; something that autistic people struggle with to a far greater degree than neurotypical people do.
Growing up, I always struggled with why can’t I be like my neurotypical peers and do the same jobs that male members of my family do. I would torture myself mentally for why I didn’t have their inclinations or mindsets for certain things, but it would only lead to me putting pressure on myself in a way where I had to meet my family’s approval when I didn’t need to. I just wanted different things to other members of my family and I had to learn how to stand up for myself and follow what my mind, soul and heart wanted and be happy rather than following the views and opinions from others. My advice is to never stop believing in yourself and stand up for what you want, not what others want; you’ll be more happier and content with yourself rather than be unhappy and unfulfilled to satisfy other people.
Use mindfulness and CBT to help you understand and overcome your anxious thoughts and feelings
If autism masking is causing so much anxiety and distress to the point where you don’t know where to start or need support dealing with these thoughts and feelings, please consider looking at mindfulness and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) that can help you challenge these thoughts and feelings you have about masking or hiding your autism. Mindfulness is a mental practice of paying attention to the present moment with openness, curiosity, and without judgment. For autistic people, the goal is to increase awareness of one's experiences, both internal and external, in a non-reactive and accepting way, in the efforts to becoming more immune to the thoughts and feelings that causes anxiety in the first place.
To develop a better understanding of why I was masking my autism and become more confident in myself, I decided to research about mindfulness and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) in efforts of becoming basically my own therapist and challenge my thoughts and feelings that was holding me back in ways of denying myself to live as an autistic person rather than fitting into society’s way of doing things, so to speak. Many of the habits I developed, explained more in a previous newsletter I wrote about mindfulness, I still use some of those methods even to this day to self-regulate my overall wellbeing and to build acceptance of who I am as an autistic person and live my life to the full and towards the dreams and experiences I want to make and becoming more self-confident in my skin.
Follow and subscribe to the Aspergian Journal on Substack and YouTube
Finally, please follow and subscribe to the Aspergian Journal on Substack and YouTube to kept in the loop for when new content is released. As part of this journey of building a supportive and collaborative autistic community, I create newsletters and YouTube videos talking about various topics relating to autism, relay my personal experiences relating to them and provide suggestions or tips of how you can improve your own circumstances for the better and move forward to a fulfilling, independent autistic life. As a person with Asperger's Syndrome and over thirty years of living experience, I’ve had to challenge my mindset, beliefs and desires to step out of my comfort zone to develop as an autistic person.
As I’ve reference in many of my newsletters on Substack and videos on YouTube, I’m not the same person as I was ten or twenty years ago and, if I’d stayed where I was back then, I wouldn’t be the person that I’m today. My story and experiences as an autistic person is what serves as a foundation of the Aspergian Journal and provide my insights on a wide variety of topics relating to autism that every autistic person has had to deal with at many points in their lives. Also, being a leading and inspiring voice to autistic people as they find their own purposes and work towards their own life goals.
Conclusion:
Autistic masking is a deeply ingrained behaviour many autistic individuals adopt to be able to navigate a neurotypical world that often misunderstands or dismisses their needs. Masking involves concealing natural autistic traits, such as stimming, avoiding eye contact, or using prepared social scripts, in order to appear more socially acceptable. While it may offer temporary acceptance, the long-term impact includes chronic anxiety, low self-esteem, and even autistic burnout. Research indicates that over 80% of autistic adults engage in masking, with autistic women being particularly affected due to misdiagnoses and societal pressures than autistic men.
In this powerful personal reflection, I recount the challenges faced from early misdiagnosis and school bullying to struggling with identity and self-worth. These early experiences triggered a cycle of anxiety and denial, leading to a diminished sense of self. However, the turning point came through self-exploration and acceptance, particularly through journaling, self-reflection, and a conscious effort to stop comparing oneself to others. Recognizing my unique journey and experiences helped them develop resilience and a more grounded sense of identity as an autistic person; something that other autistic people can apply to their own situations and hopefully changes their live for the better.
To rebuild self-confidence, I emphasise practical tools like mindfulness and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to understand and manage anxious thoughts and feelings that are often tied to masking. By challenging societal expectations and embracing my authentic self, I show the newfound clarity, peace, and purpose that helped me overcome these challenges and on a path of self-discovery and confidence. My autism journey is a testament to the transformative power of self-acceptance, individuality, and rejecting societal pressure to conform can have on other autistic people as they build towards their dreams. It also gives hope and empowerment for them to live freely and authentically, and is a core part of the mission behind the Aspergian Journal in advocating for autistic voices to be heard, valued, and celebrated.
Sources:
Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflaging for Autistic Adults - PubMed, Cage & Troxell-Whitman, (2019).
Gender differences in self-reported camouflaging in autistic and non-autistic adults - Laura Hull, Meng-Chuan Lai, Simon Baron-Cohen, Carrie Allison, Paula Smith, KV Petrides, William Mandy, (2020).
I love that you are at a point in life, where you appreciate yourself and have higher self-esteem and confidence. I know it's not easy, I've been there too. But awareness helps and you are doing more than most people to feel better. Thank you for sharing this.