Lonely, Not Alone: The Hidden Struggles Of Autistic Friendships
Tips on developing friendships as an autistic person and managing deep feelings of loneliness.
Friendships and loneliness are very common issues that autistic people face on a day-to-day basis and can have a negative impact on their lives, despite them having strong desires for meaningful, authentic friendships with others and not having to face the dark, anxious path of loneliness on their own. This newsletter builds on nicely from my previous newsletters where I talked about how autistic people can improve their communication skills and managing various symptoms of mental health.
Friendships
Lack of friendships is another major cornerstone of the autistic spectrum as autistic people struggle with developing friendships with others and commonly have low social skills and awareness when it comes to building rapport with others. For non-autistic people, they tend to have no severe problems with building relations with others or suffer with low social skills, as they grasp this more naturally and have a second human instinct when it comes to generating rapport with other people; thus taking their social abilities for granted. On the other hand, for autistic people, this is skill that doesn’t come instinctively to them and is something that has to be learned.
Growing up as an autistic child and teenager, I always been seen as a loner, a bit of ‘Billy no mates’, as I struggled with relating to my peers, out of fear and misunderstanding for coming across as different to everyone else and lacked the social skills to make childhood friends. This was very prevalent when I was put into mainstream schooling at the age of 8, as my IQ fell outside the remit for the autism specialist school I was at beforehand. As I was also bullied at school for basically being different, this did make me feel isolated and started the process of me questioning and applying pressure on myself as an autistic person to basically try to fit in and be accepted by society, even though it feels like society treats and sees autistic people in a different and negative light to non-autistic people. Shows that life isn’t always fair but tells you to battle on with resilience and determination to where you want to go in life.
As the years went by and getting into early adulthood, even though I did have some small-time friends at college and activity groups that I attended, I still didn’t have any close, long-lasting friendships, people that are there for you and you are there for them. In essence, having friends that you can rely on, they value you for who you are and they’re there at your highs and lows in life.
Lots of motivational speakers will tell you that learning to be alone and use your time productively can enhance your life greatly and be more able to achieve your goals. However, humans are social creatures and do need human-to-human interactions, regardless of how individuals perceive success or if they’re introverted or extroverted in nature.
Even autistic people need close interactions with people that bring fulfilling conversations and connections that are based on values, principles and share interests. People that just bring chaos and negativity can go away. I know that to a lot of people their negativity is shaped by their past experiences but you can’t allow your past experiences stop you from striving forward. As autistic people struggle with building friendships with people with just using small talk, they prefer to build deeper connections with people through shared interests and areas of life that they can relate to.
Autistic people thrive on solitude and having routines where they can strive and regulate their thoughts and emotions effectively. One person finds participating in their favourite sports helps whereas another person likes listening to music or reading a book. How autistic people manage their thoughts and emotions is as unique as the individuals. The same applies to how they approach forming and maintaining friendships. Autistic people don’t get sarcasm or jokes easily (myself included), so friendships have to be built on mutual respect, understanding for one another and defend what is right against what is wrong, as autistic people are more likely to have a higher moral compass than non-autistic people do. A very similar recipe, among other ingredients, needed for healthy relationships.
As I’ve got further into adulthood, my ability with connecting with other people has got better but still lacked in any close friendships. This is where autism is a person’s gift and curse. A gift where it can bring new perspectives and experiences to potential friendships with two or more people, and a curse where misunderstandings can take place in terms of the autistic person’s intentions and the unwritten rules of social interaction. One of the reasons why I started the Aspergian Journal is to hopefully meet new people that share similar shared interests as I do and build potential good friendships with like-minded people.
Loneliness
The lack of friendships increases the likelihood of autistic people suffering with deep feelings of loneliness. Loneliness can be a negative experience when you don’t have fulfilling connections with other people and may feel isolated or rejected. According to the Office of National Statistics in the UK, 27% of adults reported they felt lonely always, often or some of the time; 7% of adults reported that they felt lonely always or often, and 20% reported they felt lonely some of the time. Also, the National Autistic Society, the main autistic charity in the UK, states that autistic people are four times more likely to experience long-term loneliness than non-autistic people.
Usually, I don’t like just stating statistics for the sake of it but I felt it was important to include to add a bit of context to the points I’m making. When studies or surveys are conducted, it’s only measured by a certain number of people and don’t tell the full story on a societal level. Adding the figures mentioned above is 54% and imagine that figure is based on the total population of the UK, demonstrates that the country has a loneliness epidemic. Applying that formula to other countries, you’ll start to develop a picture of how lonely people are across the world and there’s no current or potential signs of it slowing down and turning the other way for a better society. I think we can all guess of what the main causes are for this epidemic.
For autistic people, it can be a double-edged sword when it comes to manging and combatting deep feelings of loneliness. Many autistic people do need alone time to regulate their sensory overload stresses and compartmentalise their thoughts of the day they’ve just experienced. However, when you’re in a state of long, deep loneliness where the autistic person has little to no close friends for a variety of reasons, can be very distressing to the point where the autistic person can have symptoms of depression and, in worst-case scenario, have suicidal thoughts.
You might think that it is very extreme, but you’ve got to put yourself in the autistic person’ shoes and imagine the adversity, societal challenges and lack of self-worth they’ll be feeling, as non-autistic people don’t give autistic people the compassion, time and encouragement that they need to get through life and feel valued and loved for who they are as individuals and not the false society’s perceptions of them. Loneliness is also heavily influenced by a person’s overall mental health and their mindset towards life; which in a previous newsletter, I do talk about mental health and anxiety and how they relate to autism.
For me, loneliness has been a very emotional journey to manage and hopefully combat it entirely in the future. From been a child and growing into adulthood, I’ve had moments where I felt worthless and questioning of what was wrong with me and why doesn’t anyone want to be a friend. You could say that this is just being insecure but it was more like having a constant fear of rejection and being on my own at all time. These feelings were more prevalent at periods of high anxiety, which I’ve had many over the years, and I’ll refer back to this in future newsletters. Like with any thought or feeling, they come and go and, when we are highly emotional with our overall wellbeing, it is very hard to compartmentalise those thoughts and feelings accordingly to our positive needs and desires in life.
To recall the time when I was eighteen and suffering with anxiety and depression because of me questioning my autism and dealing with the challenges and bullied I suffered at school, it felt like there was a constant dark cloud over my head and lost with what to do next. I did experience having thoughts and feelings of wanting to take my own life but I never got to the point of physically attempting suicide. Just having the thoughts in my mind was equally terrifying and it manifest the realisation of how bad my anxiety got and needed to take positive and constructive steps to overcome it.
It has taken me the last ten years to fully overcome most of my anxiety, to the stage where I’m better and more efficient of managing it and cultivating an abundance mindset where I focus on personal development and feeling good on the inside, whilst letting go of the need to control everything, especially things that are out of our control. I still get anxiety every now and then and can be a bit prone to getting overwhelmed with things that I know are no good for me; I just remind myself of what are my goals and dreams in life and spend my energies on working forward with them, which is an artform in itself.
The tips that I give to developing and managing autistic friendships and combatting loneliness.
Align yourself with your values and special interests to find groups of people that relate.
When wanting to developing friendships with others effectively, it’s important to be well aligned with your values and special interests, as these can determine the quality of potential friendships you have. I believe in quality over quantity. It’s better to have a few quality friends that bring joy to your life and people you can rely on rather than a large number of friends who are only there when they want something from you, as they see you as a soft touch and never there when you need them. In a world of social media and online conversations, I feel these optics have made people more selfish and always about me-me instead of showing compassion and consideration for others.
Like myself, autistic people don’t have time for mind games and for those who show disrespect towards others. They would rather connect with people who brings intellectually stimulating conversations about topics they enjoy or relate to. Example: I can have discussions with people who served in the army and they tell me their stories and how I relate to my knowledge of history. In essence, you can always learn something new from people that have more life experience than yourself, if you’re prepared to listen and ask the right kind of questions, as well as reading between the lines of what they’re telling you about life.
Never allow your current state of loneliness cloud your reality and dictate your future self.
Always remember, like combatting anxiety and mental health, any thoughts and feelings of loneliness you have are only a temporary state and doesn’t determine you as a person overall and the future you’re wanting to build. I know shaking deep feelings of loneliness is hard and can leave you in despair; this is something that even I still keep fighting on about to this day. Most of the time, it’s about changing your psychological perceptions of the thoughts you have about being lonely and feeling worthless, when you are worth a lot more than what your mind is telling you. Our minds can be our best friend and worst enemy in equal measure. It’s down to each of every one of us to snap out of the cycle of negativity and grasp it by the neck, like a dog on its lead, into the direction we want to go in life, which will look different for every person.
A good exercise that can be beneficial to overcome loneliness and anxiety in general is the art of manifestation. Manifestation is the act of visualising what you want to happen in life by refocusing your energy and attention on it. I will do another newsletter about manifestation and how it can benefit autistic people. Also, mindfulness is a good visualisation tool to help focus the mind on things that brings us joy at times when we are in a state of overwhelming anxiety; which I’ve mentioned mindfulness in a previous newsletter about autism and mental health. I have used these exercises to help me with my thoughts of loneliness and it has mitigated my negative thoughts and refocus the mind on positivity and establishing or reaffirming what my goals are in life. Journaling is a good exercise to write down our thoughts, positive or negative, so it can alleviate the mental strains we put on ourselves.
Never give up and focus on the intrinsic values you have and the right people will come to you.
Despite all your efforts and putting your best foot forward to engage with others and working towards building friendships, you can’t force the issue and it can be seen as needy and desperate. As an old farming saying goes: ‘you can provide the water troughs and food feeders, but you can’t force the cattle to drink from them’. The same philosophy applies to friendships, you can’t force people to like you or becomes friends with you. I know it is frustrating for autistic people as they do want to be liked and valued by others but not get the time or compassion from others that they desire. I had the same feelings and frustrations, especially when starting early adulthood and into my twenties; not so much as a child as I use to live in my own world.
As a matured as a young adult, I had a realisation that not every person you meet is going to be your best friend, even if you like them and that is not reciprocated in return. This realisation is one of many more that I will share with you in future newsletters. To combat this disappointment, refocus your efforts on becoming the best version of yourself and don’t let anything or anyone stop you from achieving your goals and dreams and building them with confidence. People naturally gravitate towards people that exhilarate confidence and are intentional with their actions. Don’t be afraid of being you and ignore what other people might be thinking because they don't know the real you and you can’t control of other people think, so why stress or get anxious about it.
Upon reflection, autistic people can be amazing friends to others and display loyalty, mutual respect and special interests that can benefit other people. However, with society being blind and arrogant towards autistic people and focus heavily on their neurotypical connections with others online, this leaves autistic people feeling left out of genuine conversations and limits their abilities to build friendships with others, who of which might share the same special interests and values that autistic people possess but unintentionally deny the opportunities to showcase.
Despite the difficulties and challenges that autistic people face when trying to build friendships, they have the upmost desire of wanting to form connections with others, especially if these connections share the same values and special interests as the autistic participant has. Loneliness is a double-edge sword and troubled soul for autistic people for not only manage the symptoms that comes with it but to successfully overcome these destructive thoughts and feelings, so they can breathe with a sharp, focused mind and unwavering determination to strive greater in life like never before.
By embracing and adopting the exercises of manifestation, mindfulness and journaling (which will be discussed in the near future), autistic people can create a visualised roadmap of their goals and what they want out of life and establish the small, compounding steps they need to take to conquer their struggles and live their best lives. Remember: never stop believing in yourself and God is on your side and, with conscious hard work and effort, the universe will be limitless.
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